Not So Deadly
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: So, everyone has been telling me about this Kingsman business. And by everyone, I mean the ENTIRE BLOODY AVENGERS TOWER! How's a guy supposed to get any sleep with all this commotion! Lets take a look at it-shall we? Just two epic assassins in a world full of killers...not so deadly, right? Part of the Not Going Home series! NarutoxGazelle! Pairing undecided, if at all!


**A/N:** **A/N: I return my subjects! For any wondering, YES I have recently seen Kingsman, the Secret Service, and as a result, I bloody loved 'em! However, I wasn't too pleased with some things, so I suppose, namely the death of a certain fem fatale. And since we know so little about her, I'm going to have to improvise...**

 **And when I saw that there were so few Naruto crossovers with it and all the INSANITY that takes places throughout, well, the gears in my mind got to turning.** **As another note, this is a part sort the "Not Going Home" series as a whole, chronicling the adventures of our dimension hopping blond as he wreaks chaos wherever he goes. And let's face it folks...**

 **...this just had to be done. I couldn't help myself!**

 **Again, before reading this, I SERIOUSLY suggest you stop and read Not Going Home and all its companions, of which there are many, first.**

 **So, I've been going over reviews, and an anonymous reviewer said something that really resonated with me. I love to write. But sometimes, I feel that this gift owns me, rather than I, owning it. Its like a beast inside me, this urge to create, but I can't control it very well, which results in a LOT of new stories. So as of last night, and continuing throughout the week, I'm purging stories that won't be continued, or works that no one enjoys anymore.**

 **Let me know which ones you feel should be continued, before its too late! Don't worry, many of the major ones will remain, but anything from 2008-2009 is likely going out the window with all the rest of the trash, never to be seen again. This may seem sudden I know, but I'm only purging the forgotten fics that no one cares for. Fear not, its not going to be immediate, but it WILL happen, I simply wanted to get this out as a forewarning.**

 **This will be of very few new stories I plan to release, god willing. If I have an idea, I plan to make it a damn good one before I just toss it out there, as I devote myself to my other works, soon to number into the hundreds, and potentially dozens as I whittle them down. I need to reassess why I want to write, for the joy of it, and I can't do that by letting you guys down with old, crappy stories I wrote in my early days.**

 **ALSO!**

 **RESTORED!**

 **I've talked with the ADmins and gotten my works back, but I have to edit them so they can fit within the guidelines once again!**

 **Viper, Dawn of Daybreak, Conqueror of Nations, Red Wing, Hurt, Blade of the Kitsune and Counting Star, all of which were deleted by FANFICTION for some reason due to having a supposedly explicit rating, they are now BACK, reviews and all! Strange thing, though, reviews are being shown, but for some reason, with new stories, almost no one has been able to reply to them beyond PMing them, and sometimes not even that. Odd, right? Still, we can post, and everyone can review!**

 **HUZZAH!**

 **LET THE NEW ERA BEGIN! Also yes, insanity abounds here so...**

 **...off we go! I proudly present Not So Deadly!**

 _"You're strange, mister."_

 _"Says the girl with blade legs."_

 _...fair enough."_

 _~Naruto and Gazelle._

 **Slice**

 _Sooooooo, people have been pestering me about this Kingsman universe._

 _And by people, I mean the WHOLE DAMN AVENGERS TOWER!_

 _Do you have any idea, ANY BLOOOOOODY IDEA, how hard it is to sleep when you've got an angry green rage monster howling in your ear about it?! This is the Hulkster we're talking about here, folks! He's not supposed to LIKE anything! Apparently that's not the case! How's a deity supposed to have any peace of quiet?! Even Ultron loves the damn thing and he hates EVERYONE! Stark, Rogers, Bucky, Barton, even blasted Point Break seem to be wrapped up in this thing!_

 _And I'm not getting started on ol' Webhead!_

 _Honestly, the only on who didn't know about the damn Kingsman was good ol' Antsy, but that's only because he's too damn busy!_

 _And I thought to myself, Kingsman? Kings. Man. What is that? What even IS that? Is it a man of the king, or is it the King's actual man? I mean, I've been in all manner of worlds and galaxies-a few removed from reality itself-and I'd never recalled hearing about that before. Natasha eventually told me it was a movie, even then she was so damned adamant about just how awesome it was that I had to take a look for myself. Popped the DVD in, watched it to the end, and laughed my ass off._

 _So, naturally, I got to thinking to myself..._

 _...what could I do with this?_

 _Eventually, that curiosity got so intense and with me being go so damn curious that I decided to go and pay an actual visit. And by visit, I'm sure you know what I mean._

 _Now, visiting a dimension WITHIN a dimension is very risky business; mess with one too many things and risk causing a domino effect; a kaleidoscope failure, if you will. An event that could erase reality-as well as that universe itself, from existence. Still, nothing, I haven't done before. Not the breaking bit! There was only that one time!_

 _Ah, but I digress._

 _The idea of messing with it, of a world I might have missed, was simply too tempting to ignore. After all, when you're a god, you do whatever you can to avoid being bored. Like that time when I created another version of me...the one that didn't end so well. Not to self. NEVER create another omnipotent, godlike, COPY of yourself that you can't control, without morality constraint. And above all, don't make her female! Shit hits the fan real fast, mate!_

 _Anywho, off I went on another merry little adventure..._

 _...and I may or may not have abducted a certain Black Widow for the ride. What? She's perfect for this._

 _Problem?_

 _We may have ah...landed a little earlier than expected. But no worries. Just two mass murderers in a world full of killers..._

 _...not that deadly, right?_

* * *

 _Gazelle._

That was her name, her all, her everything. Her parents had given it to her. Mommy and daddy, who got in deep with the loan sharks. Mama and Papa. Sweet, sweet mama who baked her cookies and tucked her in late at night, tickling her nose with her long, dark hair. And papa, strong, stoic papa, always there for her, always so strong, so proud so...everything. Papa, always telling her it would be alright, not to worry, that she would always have food to eat, a place to sleep, a home where she would be loved.

But now papa and mama were dead and no one could protect her.

Dead, gone in the same crash that had taken her legs. Dead, unable to stop the mobsters from fastening these...things to her legs, these strange, bladed contraptions that felt like dried ice on her skin. They saw her as nothing more than an investment, a tool to be used and discarded at their whims. Her childhood had died as surely as her parents had that day, burned away in that fiery blaze of glory.

Now she was alone and hungry, wearing filthy clothes, and nothing-no one-was coming to save her.

Somewhere, deep down, Gazelle understood all this, and yet she couldn't bring herself to do anything but sit there in the bed, staring at the peeling wallpaper in the corner of her room, the faded white grey and curling, so much like her spirit. She couldn't bring herself to consider the concept of running now, just as she hadn't been able to do so weeks before. Broken, and if not broken, then slowly breaking. This was all she knew, that she had been allowed to know, that she would ever know.

She was only eight years old.

Shifting slightly, she regarded the four walls of her room with dim, vacant eyes. It was little more than a cubicle with a bed, with a hole in one corner for her to urinate. And even then, she was not allowed to do so-lest one of her captors enter the room and remove the cuff binding her right wrist to the bed. Baser conditions could scarcely be found if one where to look in a distant, third world country.

The irony of this statement, you ask?

This was _London._

The distant drone of her heart monitor pounded on in her ears like an endless, animal bleat. Meant to inform them of the slightest movement on her part, it'd beep incessantly if she tried to remove the IV from her vein; if she did anything else other than sit there and do as she were told. So she sat. And she waited, while the men that where her masters decided her fate. This would be her destiny until she was a young woman, until an unforseen circumstance freed her from their employment. This, in essence, was her role.

And then someone blasted the door in and shattered that role to pieces.

CRACK!

Gazelle started violently as a small shaped charge blasted through the rickety wooden frame of the arch and launched it across the room, leaving the door to splinter away against the northern wall with a harsh crunch of broken oak. A harsh shard of light stabbed into her retina, to which Gazelle flinched and immediately raised an arm. Then came the shadows, falling over her like a cool blanket of shade. It was almost a relief really, when another blast shattered the handcuffs and knocked her to the floor in a heap.

Before she could come to her senses-what was left of them!-a slim figure strode into the room, uncaring for the dust and smoke caused by the explosion. A pair of boots entered her vision. Looking up, she found those slim feet attached to a pair of ankles and from there a thigh, knee, followed by an equally loooooong pair of legs, oh, you got the picture! By the end, she was left looking at a rather dangerous looking woman. All dark clothes and blazing green eyes, she radiated a strange sort of calm ferocity, like an angry tigress, coiled and ready to spring. Right. At. Her.

"Target confirmed," the woman spoke into her wrist. "I've got her."

"Awesome!" came the reply, doubtless from someone who had yet to enter the room. "I'll be right down once I've finished with our chums upstairs."

As if to puncuate that very thought, the screaming started...

...and the woman looked at her.

 _Uh-oh._

Gazelle had ducked under her right arm as soon as she saw those eerie orbs turn in her direction. A useless precaution in the end as the redhead didn't harm a single hair upon her head. Quite the contrary, she looked all of three seconds from glomming her to death. As he looked on, that stoic scowl warped into a smile, warm as lava glow. Oh. She knew that smile. It was the same smile mother always gave her, so kind and sweet, loving and warm, radiating all the warmth of a parent's love. But she didn't understand. Why was this woman looking at her like that?

"Why, hello there!"

For a moment, Gazelle thought she was well and truly seeing things.

But sure enough there he was, horns and all, simply stepping out from the girl's shadow as if he'd always been there, hiding, lurking. For a moment, Gazelle actually found herself taken aback. All orange, and white and bloody tall, he looked like he'd stepped out of the pages of a comic book and into reality...but, he wasn't even trying to cover up his face. Nothing at all, save the whiskers. He was even carrying a briefcase, slung up on his shoulder as though it were a weapon of some sort.

He was tall, whoever he was.

Tall, horns and whiskers all, he looked like something fresh out of nightmare.

And now he was looking at _her._

"Howdy, there." she very nearly flinched when he crouched down, those blazing blue orbs coming down to her level. "I'm Naruto. You must be Gazelle." his eyes traveled to her legs, the deadly devices that had replaced her feet. "Nice to meet you. So," he continued, smiling. "You wanna come with us?"

A beat of silence passed between them. And then.

And then:

 _THUNK._

A fist descended mercilessly from out of the black, snapping a horn and denting the whitehead's skull with a harsh crack. A muffled groan arose from the floor.

"Natasha...what the hell...

"What the hell do you think you're doing, saying things like that to her?! She's young and impressionable!" The black-clad redhead shot her would-be-rescuer a smoldering glower, lowering her steaming knuckles as the battered deity twitched on the ground.

"Sorry about whiskers here," a soft voice, like smoke rolling through liquid honey, snaked through her ears. "He tends to be blunt. That's just how he is...

There it was! That look again!

That this woman was now giving her such a smile nearly made the poor girl soil herself outright!

 _"Damnitall, who am I kidding?!"_ The woman squealed suddenly and surged forward abruptly-throwing her arms around Gazelle with a delighted cry and all but sweeping her up off the floor with such speed that the poor girl actually squealed ins surprise. "Aw, just look at you!" she cried, shoving her face into her bosom, "You're absolutely _adorable!"_ Trapped by those impenetrable limbs-her face wedged within that impregnable fortress, she could only flail madly until the redhead finally released her.

Spinning, stumbling on her legs, she could only stand there awkwardly, gawping up at the spy.

"Who are you people?"

"Well, sweetie, its a bit of a long story...

 _Clack._

The sound of loaded rifles filled her ears.

"Oh." Naruto hummed, regarding the suited men behind them, rifles armed and at the ready. "Looks like we have company."

"You ain't taking her anywhere!"

Natasha froze.

"Ahhhh, now look what you did. You went and pressed the murder button." Naruto's remaining briefcase exploded in his hand, showering him and Gazelle with shards or broken plastic. Lifting his head slowly, he craned his neck loosely and somewhat erratically as he stood, _looking_ at the direction of the voice-a twitching, spasmodic movement to his motions. She really wasn't at all surprised by the appearance of her captors; but if felt as though this were all happening to someone else, that this were nothing more than a dream, and she'd wake up any moment now...

"You shouldn'ta done that."

"She's coming with us." the redhead stated calmly, nudging her behind a hip.

"You'se and what army?"

"Funny you should mention that."

Naruto glared for several seconds without letting up, veins throbbing visibly in his forehead. Those sky blue eyes were cast in shadow, and gleaming with baleful blue light. His lips were curled back almost of their own accord, barring the blond's teeth in a decidedly sly smile.

Then he started to laugh.

"Heh. Hehehehehehe..." It started out deep and booming, the cackle of a man gone mad. "...ehehahahahahaHAHAHAHA!" Then, abruptly, it jumped three octaves, leaping into an insane shriek that left would have left a normal man's hair standing on end, his skin rippling in gooseflesh as that voice skipped into an insane shriek. The clapping didn't certainly didn't help either, the harsh sound of his palms smacking together with a harsh, continuous pop of sound. It was the strangest sound Gazelle had ever witnessed, and yet at the same time, the most amusing, terrifying sound he'd ever heard.

Abruptly, it cut off.

"Okay, I'm done. You can die now."

Raising his hands, he placed his thumb and index finger together and made a sharp, snapping motion.

 _THOOM._

In a blaze of fiery glory, nearly all of her captors burst into flame, their bodies turning to ash before her very eyes. Bones charring themselves to nothingness in an instant. There wasn't any blood, she realized distantly, watching them burn. Just ash and dust. Just like that.

"M-Monster!" one cried!

"No no no," the deity raised his hands, shaking his head at the rest. "See its all about...perspective. You shoot me, I shoot you, we'll be playing this game four hours. Where's the fun in that? I'd rather you lot just die so we can be on our merry way and forget this ever happened. Easier, that way, right? Riiiiiight? Ah, hello, who am I kidding?! SNAP!"

Gazelle could only blink at the carnage that followed, because Natasha chose to clap a hand over her eyes.

It didn't last very long.

By the time the shouts and screams finally faded-by the time the redhead finally removed that hand-little Gazelle found herself standing in a room of broken ashes. Of the men who had tried to kill them, only their rifles remained, broken and twisted as though seized by the hands of an angry god. Naruto was rising slowly from a pointed crouch of some sort, and curiously enough, he seemed to be...glowing? Yes, that was it she realized distantly, watching him move about the room.

As though lit from within, his saffron skin shimmered brightly, lighting the room in pale amber. Still in shock, she could only look at him and wonder. She'd just watched -heard!- him murder each of those men, the ones responsible for what had been done to her parents, for her legs, and all Gazelle could think was thus.

"You're strange, mister."

"Says the girl with blade legs." Naruto quipped.

Her cheeks flushed.

...you're still crazy, though."

Natasha snorted. "You have no idea...

Naruto chortled softly.

"I'm the furthest thing from sane, love. Now, c'mere."

Before Gazelle could blink, think to stop him, he reached down and swept her off the floor. "H-Hey?!" A tiny squeal of surprise leaped from her lips; because for a terrifying moment, she was free falling in reverse, flying up...and up...up...until she landed upon something hard and firm. It took her all of an instant to realize that Naruto had simply tossed her up onto his shoulder. An arm rose, steadying her small back even as she began to wobble, holding her safe and secure.

"W-W-What're you doing?!" she sputtered, clinging to his shoulder for dear life! So much for shock! "Put me down!"

"Doing?" blue eyes fluttered open and shut slowly. "I thought that much was obvious. We're taking you out of here."

...what?"

"That's his way of saying we're adopting you." Natasha continued, peering at her nails. "Don't bother arguing kid, once he's made up his mind, its useless."

"I don't even know you two-eep!" she protested, squeaking softly as the spy reached up to pet her large hand rose to pet her head.

"Ah, there'll be plenty of time for that, sweetheart.

Gazelle hazarded a glance at her "father" gulping slightly. Was it wrong that she felt slightly excited? A new mama, a new papa, stronger than anyone else...

Sure enough, the blond was grinning like a madman when she looked at him.

 _"Oh, we're going to have soooooooo much fun!"_

 _ **A/N: And there we have it! As per many, many, MANY requests, we now have a Naruto x Kingsman crossover! I took an idea for Gazelle's past, since we know so little of her, and decided to go and run with it to the best of my possibility. She's going to be one hell of a badass in this story, perhaps even moreso than her movie counterpart!**_

 **So...in the Immorta Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly? And of course, enjoy the preview!**

 **(Preview)**

 _Naruto blinked, regarding the still-twitching corpse._

 _"Well, that was ah...kind of anticlimatic."_

 _Gazelle lowered her leg sheepishly._

 _"Sorry, I-_

 _"ARE YOU KIDDING?! THAT WAS AWESOME!"_

 **R &R~! =D**


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